On Fortune-telling
Sometimes I don't visit a social event because I feel like I won't enjoy it. And if I don't enjoy it, I would act bad, though sometimes indeed it turns out different.
Well, now if I don't feel like visiting a social event, I consider it more as a choice. I deserve to decide what I want to do, even though some may find it not good. I don't lose anything because everything happens for a reason. Even when I am reluctant to meet anyone in person, that means I have more time to sleep or gain new knowledge from the internet, and that's worth.
On Labelling
I still believe that I am worthless, inferior, inadequate, no good, useless, a failure, and bla bla bla all the negative labels even though I may be not, just because I don't like people to expect something from me. It's kind of avoiding responsibility, I think. Because when people expect something good from you, you feel it like a burden, that you have to maintain--if not enhance--that good trait for your whole life whereas you can be bad sometimes.
Another case, if I see myself in a positive way, and then some circumstance makes me find out that I am not that good, I would be disappointed in myself, and that would be bad. So, I would be better to put low--if not zero--expectation of myself, and therefore I would be happy if I am actually better.
On Personalising
I remember that I had this feeling when I missed important events that my friends had. When my friends didn't tell me about important events that they just had, I felt left behind. I felt that I am less worth hence they didn't bother to tell me about stuffs.
This got me asking to myself about what I had done to them so they didn't find me as a significant person to tell every time they had an important event. I realised that I did very little to them--if none. And that made me feel more worthless. And then I shut in.
After I reclused myself for years and got hit by antidepressants, I don't think much of it anymore. I know that I have missed more important events that my friends had, intentionally, and I don't find it matters anymore.
Besides, I didn't want to meet my friends because I was afraid that they would think bad things of me or utter remarks that make me more uncomfortable with my situation and then I would snap at them in return as a defense mechanism.
When eventually we met again after many years severed, that bad scenario didn't matter anymore. We shared stories and I found that they had their own problems which on their perspective might be bigger than mine. I even think that my problem actually doesn't matter at all to them. They are too attached to their own problems.
So, when I gather with them, I like to be more a listener than anything else. If possible, I don't talk about my problem at all, because my problem is not as important as theirs, or I can say, I have much less problem than them. Yeay.
On Getting Intimate with Your Thinking
Since I was in elementary school, I loved to pour all my thoughts in diary. It went until last few years. So, if I am to review my thoughts, I already have thousands sheets of paper. All I have to do is just analysing them and indeed when I read my journal back then from year to year, I can spot patterns of my thoughts, especially the negative ones.
My action towards it is by just stop writing at all, because I am bored, I would just write same things all over again. It makes me frustrated to know that I make very little improvement--if none at all-with my life during years.
In other words, I think by stop writing I would stop thinking of those negative things as well. So, basically I just don't give a damn about them all.
Sometimes I think of doing gratitude journal, which means I keep writing but only in positive way. But that's just another useless idea. I never do it. That's not really interesting to me.
Truthfully, sometimes I realise that there are so many good things happen to me everyday, that I can't put them all in writing, and that would be boring to write the same good things every single day. It doesn't mean that I am not grateful. It's just boring.
And sometimes I feel guilty about it, because I can do nothing to express my gratitude for those tons of blessing I get everyday. I get overwhelmed. So, once again, it's better to not think about them at all: both the negative thoughts and all the good things that actually happen.
I think I am pretty good at analysing this kind of thing. In fact, I think about it over and over but I never put a steady action on whatever it is because I suck at doing. I am definitely not a man of action. At this point, I hesitate that CBT would help me. Even though I could develop positive way of thinking, I can't ever beat my laziness. Moreover, I am afraid that through CBT I would have a positive outlook to keep maintaining this habit.
Conclusion
At this point, I see that CBT tells to be mindful about every single act, no matter how small it is. I am afraid at some point that would be overwhelming. Anyway, CBT is intended for overthinking persons, isn't it? And I see that it's about how to direct the overthinking habit towards positive way.
Catatan : Seperti yang terlihat dari judul, tulisan ini dibuat untuk menanggapi bab dalam suatu buku, yaitu Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies oleh Rob Willson dan Rhena Branch (2006, John Wiley & Sons, Ltd., Inggris). Tanggapan ini ditulis dalam bahasa Inggris karena saat itu saya sedang bersemangat untuk berlatih menulis dalam bahasa Inggris. Tanggapan ini sekiranya dapat menjelaskan sedikit tentang masa yang hilang dalam blog ini #halah. And I dedicate it firstly to Ristirianto Adi (do you still want to study abroad?), and then to friends I find on Bottled, a sophisticated-if-not-annoying-due-to-frequent-lags chatting application. And last but not least, pardon my English, would you? I am just learning!
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