Diary of Childhood Memories (October 14-18, 2019)

Monday, October 14, 2019

Feeling embarrassed by things I used to like

What did I use to like?

I don't like the feeling of embarrassment itself. I like to just forget about that.

Well, now I remember that I liked writing diary, since my cousin gave me one as my 9th birthday present, I mean, that was my first diary. And wrote it one page each day. I didn't know that it could be addictive.

But then my friends found out that I had diaries. They tried to read them when they came to my house. I was so embarrassed that I threw my diaries to the roof. I don't remember how I saved them afterwards, or I just let them disappear for ever. What I know for sure is that I don't have them anymore and it's a shame: I lose some of my history.

That didn't make me quit writing diary, though. It's sort of a basic need for me. Just as I eat then I need to defecate; I gather experiences from anywhere then I need to write them down though not all.

I also felt embarrassed for all the bad emotions and negative thoughts I've ever had. Though I can't help those, like to have such things is indeed my default.

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Wishing to return to moments from my past

Yes, I do. I did some things so bad that I won't tell about them here. I wasn't even big enough. I think those were just impulsive actions any kid might do. Nevertheless, those are sins and I was not supposed to do them.

Besides that, there were decisions. Concerning this, even if I could go back to the past, I don't think I would change much. I have a feeling that things were just going to be the same eventually because I would be just what I am. I don't like to think much of this.

Anyway, going back to the past is impossible. No need to even think about that, just a waste of time. I don't want to live life with regrets. I might do a lot of mistakes, I always do. But, mistakes are there for us to learn, aren't they? And we have a right to choose what mistakes we would learn.

Now, I want to just live the present, make the best of my current time.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

A toy I wanted as a child but never got

There was, but I got that by doing something I won't like to tell anyone. I wanted it more, but I knew that was actually wrong, so I didn't do it any more. And I don't remember why I didn't just tell my parents that I wanted that sort of toy. Maybe I was reluctant. Maybe I already had too many toys, so I didn't deserve to ask more. That's something I don't like to talk about more.

Speaking of toy, I had various kinds of toy: dolls, wooden blocks, musical instruments, etc. Maybe I just knew that I didn't lack of anything that I shouldn't ask my parents for more. Thus, when I wanted something more, so badly, I would deal with my desire on my own way.

I didn't have all kinds of toys, though. When I visited my cousins' houses, I saw collection of toys that I didn't have and I didn't really want them anyway.

My parents didn't buy me toys such as electronic games: Game Watch, Nintendo, and so on. If I wanted to play Nintendo games, like Mario Bros, Donkey Kong, Tetris, I must wait until vacation when it was time for me to sleep over in my cousin's house for few days. I think I had a Game Watch, and maybe a Tamagotchi, but seemingly I got them later after my friends and cousins had them first. And it turned out that I didn't really like such games--until now.

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Objects that tell the story of my life

There are family photo albums and my diaries.

It's pretty sad when I started this "pardon my english"-in-15-minutes daily journal and I needed to look at the albums, and saw how my parents--especially my father--seemed to love me so much. I am the eldest child. And there was only me for the first three and a half years this family started. Recalling those photos shed tears in my eyes.

Fast forward, I read my oldest diary and saw how things had been changing. I grew to be so bitter and full of negative thoughts.

And now, I don't know any more as to how I should be.

The old photos must be inciting some determination inside to give back the love. But, the diaries make me understand how I have become this way. And how can I change things that have been happening just the same for my whole life? It's kind of an inevitable fate.

I know that people can change, even though it takes decades.

Friday, October 18, 2019

My best sleepover memories

Before middle school years, I used to sleep over for few days during vacation at my cousin's house in Cimahi. She lived in a military neighborhood, whom her parents worked for. She is just about a month older than me. Sometimes there was another older cousin from other city joined us.

There were some bad experiences I had with them. But mostly I enjoyed the moment. My cousin had more things than me: games, books, magazines, comic books, cassettes, money, cats, etc. So I got a lot of references and treats from her: Nintendo games, Harry Potter, Lupus, Sheila on 7, Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel dolls from McDonalds, my first diary, Gareng and Petruk comic books, etc. Well, her mother was quite generous.

Dawn in the morning, we would walk to Lapangan Kodam near her neighborhood. I loved the moments.

Too bad, since middle school, we didn't get along well any more--until now. I don't know why. It seemed that it was always me who must call her first; it was always me who went to her house. It was hardly ever the other way around. Eventually I gave up.



These are prompts from 500 Prompts for Narrative and Personal Writing. Tip: do one prompt each day to practice writing in English FOR 15 MINUTES ONLY.